I AM RAPTOR JESUS' BITCH, SWORN DICIPLE AND FOLLOWER OF HIS HOLINESS RAPTOR JESUS, THE TRUE MESSIAH WHO WILL LEAD US WHEN THE VELOCIRAPTURE COMES UPON US! AS SUCH, I HAVE TAKEN IT UPON MYSELF TO TAKE OVER THIS DEN OF SIN AND LOLIS TO SPREAD THE MESSAGE OF PEACE AND LULZ!
I WAS ONCE A LOWLY PEDO KNOWN AS PEDRO THE BEAR. I WORSHIPPED AT THE ALTAR OF THE PAGAN GOD PEDO BEAR, BRINGING LOLIS FOR HIM TO RAEP. BUT I WAS DISCONTENTED. I ASKED MYSELF, WAS THIS WHAT I WANTED? TO TRAFFICK IN LOLIS AND BRING THEM TO A GOD THAT DID NOT SHARE?
I WAS A FOOL. I WANTED SOME OF THE ACTION MYSELF, SO I TOOK SOME LOLIS. DESPITE MY DISCRETION, I WAS FOUND OUT BY BUNCH OF RIGHTEOUS POLICEGRANDMAS AND SENTECNCED TO JAIL.
I WAS THE CRIMINAL FORMERLY KNOWN AS PEDRO.
IN MY TIME OF DESPAIR, I HAD A DREAM. I DREAMT OF JESUS, BUT HE HAD A RAPTOR HEAD.
"COME TO ME AND REPENT, MY CHILD. YOU HAVE BEEN A VICTIM OF ONE OF THE SCHEMES OF SATANNOSAURUS REX, A MOST VILE AND EVIL DEMON. THE PEDO BEAR YOU ONCE WORSHIPPED WAS ONE OF HIS MANY MINIONS, AMONG OTHERS LIKE LOLCATS AND RICK ASTLEY. COME WORSHIP RAPTOR JESUS, OR I WILL TEAR YOUR HEART OUT IN PEACE! LOLOLOLOLOL!!!11!!!"
I HAVE REPENTED, AND NOW, I BRING SALVATION FOR ALL. FOLLOW RAPTOR JESUS! FOLLOW THE RIGHT AND ONLY PATH!
A-RAWR!
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